June 2025
Imagine having two people in your life who were so pivotal, that without them, your entire life would have been completely different.
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SUMMER 2018
The summer before my final year of university, I went on what was meant to be the trip of a lifetime, — backpacking through Europe with my best friend (something I highly recommend every person do in their twenties!) All year, I’ve been daydreaming of my European summer, exploring iconic historical cities, indulging in all the delicious food, sailing the Mediterranean, and experiencing the full Euro nightlife every single night.
But suddenly just before we were supposed to leave, I started to feel unwell. As the trip progressed, I was getting even worse, experiencing overwhelming fatigue and blisters appeared on my fingertips and toes, making even walking painful. In Ibiza, I developed a lung infection that left me so physically weak that a doctor had to come to my hotel room to treat me. I had so much FOMO as my friend went out partying in Ibizia without me, but I was so unwell and couldn’t even go two minutes without a severe coughing attack. The antibiotics kicked in and were my saving grace, but the Ibiza doctor still made me promise that when I return to Canada, I would follow up with my doctor.
Back home, school resumed, and although I felt slightly better, I kept that promise. I saw a campus physician and explained my odd symptoms: the lung infection abroad, the fevers, the extreme fatigue, the sores on my hands and fingers. The university doctor was at a loss of what the cause of my illness could’ve been and thought perhaps I caught a foreign virus, so she sent me to the ER so they could run a series of tests.
You know the Canadian system is bad when…it took them more than two months to review my bloodwork and five more months to book me in to see a specialist. From September to November, my health declined rapidly. I started to experience 24 hour joint pain, recurrent fevers and overwhelming fatigue. I was in and out of the ER almost every week. The exhaustion was dismissed as ‘normal school stress’ by the ER doctors. I became so judgmental of myself that I couldn’t handle normal school stress and it was manifesting into these symptoms. I started doubting myself—was it all in my head? Was I just too sensitive to handle the pressures of school? But the truth was, I could barely get through the day. I was ubering to class because I was too weak to take public transit. In fact, I was so weak I couldn’t open doors and had to rely on the handicap push button. I was sleeping 12+ hours but woke up as if I hadn’t slept at all. The brain fog was so crazy that I started to mix up numbers and decimal places which is problematic if you’re an engineering student. I lost a dramatic amount of weight, my hair started to fall out and I honestly couldn’t recognize myself anymore.
One afternoon, I found myself again at the campus clinic. I was just so defeated - I just failed another geology quiz and the sores on my feet were utterly so painful. A nurse saw how unwell I looked and immediately ushered me into one of the backrooms and hooked me up to IVs because I was so weak and dehydrated. I’ll always remember that nurse - she was so sweet. She joked that I should keep the IVs a secret so students don’t start looking for them if they went too hard partying. The clinic physician saw me and I explained that the cardiologist I saw diagnosed me with lupus but the wait to see a rheumatologist was in five months. Without hesitation, she picked up the phone and started calling every single rheumatologist in Calgary. It was a Friday evening, during a snowstorm—but somehow, she reached Dr. Heyland who agreed to see me. Dr. Heyland waited for me to taxi over. He looked at my lab results and he patiently explained what “lupus” was for the first time. My anti-double stranded DNA levels were over 1000—an unmistakable marker for lupus. He explained how, in lupus, the immune system becomes hyperactive and begins attacking the body’s own healthy tissues. He explained this was a chronic illness and I would be living with it for my entire life. I was only 24 - life was just getting started. I couldn't imagine living with a disease for my entire life. Will I always feel this ill for the rest of my entire life? Dr. Heyland said that with the proper care and medications, it was highly likely, I could lead a rather healthy and normal life and I could expect to live a full-life span.
It was a lot to take in. Dr.Heyland gave me a high dosage of prednisone and said I would feel better almost immediately. I went home - woke up the next day and it was a miracle. For the first time in months, I felt okay. The pain and fatigue vanished. It was like someone flipped a switch - I hadn’t realized how unwell I was until I felt well again. Dr. Heyland called me that morning to check in and I emotionally thanked him for saving my life.
Although the lupus symptoms disappeared, prednisone, while a miracle drug, brought with it intense side effects: insomnia, emotional volatility, ravenous hunger, bloating, weight gain and the infamous “moon face”. Cherry on the cake: I got shingles and spent Christmas in the hospital. Dr.Heyland picked up my call on Christmas Eve and when he saw the rashes all over my abdomen bemused I was a textbook case for lupus. Recovery from lupus, especially while trying to complete a demanding engineering degree, definitely has its own set of challenges. It makes studying nearly impossible. Prednisone floods the brain with cortisol, which disrupts key neurotransmitters - dopamine, serotonin, glutamate and GABA - impairing focus, mood, memory and cognitive processing. High dose prednisone causes insomnia which depletes the brain's ability to consolidate memory and maintain alertness, which worsens fog and focus.
I was so desperate to get through my finals that I took two slow release 10mg dexedrine pills with 50mg of prednisone. I overlooked the fact that both pills were both stimulants and would push my nervous system into overdrive. I was awake for more than two straight days. I felt numb, dissociated with my body, unable to feel desire or feelings. Later on I learned that I had a neurochemical overload, where my brain was flooded with stress hormones (cortisol from prednisone and dopamine from dexedrine), and my brain “shut down” all emotional circuits as protection.
That dissociation—called emotional blunting—was terrifying. I felt robotic, hyper-aware, and yet completely empty inside. At one point, I even began hallucinating. Desperate for support, I went to the ER and called a suicide crisis line, hoping someone could ground me, but I was brushed off.
Later, I came to two harsh but lasting realizations. First, in moments of true mental health crisis, the systems we rely on—emergency rooms, crisis lines—often aren’t equipped to offer the kind of help that’s actually needed. Second, I could never again judge someone struggling with their mental health. Because losing your sense of self—your grip on reality—is far more terrifying than any physical symptom I had experienced with lupus. Until then, I had experienced moments of anxiety, but I had never known hopelessness. I had never truly felt the depth of depression—until my brain chemistry was hijacked by medication and stress. That experience gave me profound empathy for those silently fighting their own mental battles. Chemical imbalances are real. And when your mind turns against you, the pain is invisible—but utterly consuming. At the peak of the trip, I was contemplating ending my life. I then somehow fell asleep and when I woke up, my brain reset and I was back to normal - I knew my guardian angels were watching over me.
The initial diagnosis and treatment for lupus was, without question, the hardest challenge of my life. I’ve faced challenges before and after, but nothing has ever come close. It taught me, in the most visceral way, that health is the foundation for everything. Without it, nothing else - truly matters. Dr. Heyland gave me a new lease on life. I’ll never forget how he took me on as a patient when no one else could, how he monitored my recovery with such care, and how he even picked up my call on Christmas Eve when I broke out in shingles.
Since then, I’ve come to see life through an entirely new lens—one shaped by deep appreciation. That experience made me wiser and more mature. It opened my eyes to the fragile, fleeting nature of life and the beauty in the ordinary. It reminded me never to take a single moment for granted. To celebrate the smallest wins. To let go of what doesn't serve me. To be present. More than anything, it pushed me to live more fully—to take chances, to travel, to do the things that light me up inside. Do not wait forever to do the things you’ve always wanted to do. And to be kind, just because. Pay kindness forward. To show up for others the way I was shown compassion when I needed it most.